Trust Your Gut: Recognizing Emotional Abuse

Author: Kaneesha Anderson

In this article, you will read a story of my dear friend. To conceal identities, both partners have been given pseudonyms. For the purpose of the story, the names are Amara and Calvin. Amara experienced an emotionally abusive relationship in her senior year of high school. This post is meant to bring awareness to emotional abuse and debunk the misinformation spread about emotional abuse. Every person’s story is different and unique to them; because of that, we believe it is important for every story to be shared. The purpose of this article is to inform, empower, and encourage.

Background

Amara got into her first relationship with Calvin. Calvin comes from a dysfunctional and

disengaged family, which is characterized by poor communication, unresolved conflicts, and emotional neglect, leaving him unknowledgeable about healthy patterns of thinking and how to navigate and maintain a healthy relationship.

Now, Amara is from the opposite type of family; her family is considered functional, characterized by mutual love, respect, open communication, and emotional security. Both individuals have experienced a wide range of traumatic events, including emotional, mental, and sexual abuse. These characteristics along with the unresolved trauma are what I believe impacted their relationship the most.

Relationship

Amara and Calvin met in middle school. They were connected through mutual friends, and only spoke to each other in group settings, but never interacted on a personal level. The two began connecting in a group chat in 2021, then they exchanged numbers and began talking more frequently. As they got to know each other, Calvin found himself assuming the role of her boyfriend. Before having a private conversation about the status of their relationship, he assumed and led others to the conclusion that they were dating. When she was interviewed, Amara remembers peer pressure influencing her decision to date Calvin. Amara recalls her initial gut feeling about him and the relationship. I asked her, “What signs showed up subtly, in the early stages of dating?” She says she was initially hesitant to date due to his lack of emotionally intimate relationships. Calvin often had sexual relations with women but never in a relationship, creating a feeling of hesitancy for Amara. One thing she mentioned was her lack

of interest in dating him; she notes that she pushed back the first date for as long as she could.

Over the course of the relationship, Calvin began exhibiting more emotional abuse

characteristics. In the interview, Amara was asked to concur with the characteristics of

emotional abuse she experienced while in this relationship. She experienced the following characteristics: blame for his problems (directly/indirectly), using guilt, direct orders, isolation, gaslighting, possessive behavior, name-calling, dismissiveness, monitoring whereabouts, unpredictability (exploding for no reason), invalidating, goading and blaming (being upset and then pinning the blame onto the victim), and, when angered, he would occasionally put his hands on her. Following a series of incidents, the relationship between Amara and Calvin ended in March of 2022.

Amara and Calvin reconnected in the spring of 2023. They began calling and texting, not

reestablishing the relationship, just the platonic connection. In the summer of 2023, they began hanging out, and Amara noticed certain behaviors he previously exhibited were now more intense. The last incident that occurred between Amara and Calvin ended any further contact between them. In the interview, I asked Amara to “describe the last incident that made her leave”, and what she replied with still leaves me in shock.

The incident began with a verbal argument. What begins as a misunderstanding about shoes turns into an argument, and eventually Amara is pinned against the door, Calvin not letting her leave. One of the housemates heard the commotion and knocked on the door, which interrupted the interaction. Amara gets away and goes downstairs to hang with the housemate.

Eventually, she decides to go to sleep, and when she wakes at 2 am, all of her things are missing: her phone, her bag, and even her charger. Next to her, Calvin is asleep. Amara goes downstairs briefly to get a glass of water. When she heads back upstairs, Calvin is awake, watching YouTube. She asks him where her phone is, he acts disinterested and says he doesn’t know where her belongings are. Amara recalls that before this incident, her gut told her to change the password to her phone. Later, she discovers that listening to her instinct was the right call because he attempted to invade her privacy by unlocking her phone with the last known password.

With Amara and Calvin going back and forth, it quickly escalates. With him still withholding her phone and denying that he has it, Amara takes his phone. She calls some of the housemates, who had left the house for a quick gas station trip. While awaiting their return, the situation is still escalating in anger, she grabs his comic books hoping to exchange her belongings for his.

He is now angry and grabs her harshly, with them both still arguing, she tears it up. The

housemates return, and Amara leaves the room to get some space. She gets in the car, ready to head home. Since she had Calvin’s phone, she decided to search it.

On his phone, she found pictures of herself sleeping, and a multitude of pictures depicting other women engaging in sexual acts with the perpetrator. Overcome with various emotions, she clears out his contacts, messages, and bank account. The housemates step in as mediators and initiate a belonging exchange. Both parties received their phones, and Amara received her duffel bag. Calvin, checking his phone, realizes what she has done, and his anger intensifies. He cuts up her shoes and threatens violence against her and her family. The housemates continue to try and defuse the situation. Eventually, the housemates return Amara to her home; Calvin

and she never speak again.

Life Post-Relationship

After this summer, Amara went on to continue her college education. She strengthened her relationship with God, and began to heal, and is still healing. “How has this relationship affected your daily life and well-being?” Amara answered this experience shaped how she interacts with and perceives relationships, even with herself. The relationship made her not trust herself. With others, she acknowledges that she is even more guarded than previously.

She’s more cautious of men who are in relationships due to the cheating she experienced with Calvin. The relationship serves as a reminder to reinforce her boundaries, make new ones, and think about her non-negotiables for relationships. She finds it difficult to take people at face value especially when their words and actions don’t align.

Amara continues everyday to fight for herself. To better herself than she was yesterday. She will not let that relationship be her end, she says she has so much more life to live and she intends to live it fully. “ Do you have any advice for women who could find themselves, in a similar situation? ” She responded: “Always trust your gut; regardless of the circumstances, you can always go back to your instinctual feeling and trust it.”

Takeaways

Using Amara’s story, there are a few points I would like to emphasize.

1. Abuse looks different in every situation. Your story does not have to look like hers to qualify as abuse.

2. Sometimes, abusive characteristics can start off very subtly; this is where your intuition comes into play. Trust your gut, always.

3. Below are a few characteristics of emotional abuse.

• Blame for Problems(directly/indirectly)

• Using Guilt

• Direct Order

• Isolation

• Gaslighting

• Possessive Behavior

• Name-calling

• Disputing your feelings

• Character assassination

• Using Silent Treatment

• Spying on you Digitally

• Dismissiveness

• Monitoring Whereabouts

• Unpredictability (exploding for no reason)

• Invalidating

• Goading and Blaming (being upset and then pinning the blame onto the victim)

Often in domestic violence relationships, you are aware that what we experience hurts us, yet you are unsure of how to name it. Naming it helps you identify what can get you out of a harmful situation. In Amara’s story, she encountered emotional and physical abuse; forms of abuse typically overlap during the course of the relationship.

Leaving is not always immediate nor linear. As seen in Amara’s story, reconnecting can happen, and that does not invalidate the harm that was previously experienced. It highlights the complexity of emotional ties, history, and unresolved trauma.

Abuse is about patterns, not isolated incidents. While some moments may seem small or excusable, repeated behavior over time can create an unsafe and harmful environment.

Your feelings are valid. If something feels wrong or uncomfortable, or unsafe, know that you do not need “proof” beyond your own experience to take it seriously.

Support systems matter. Whether it is family, friends, housemates, or trusted individuals; having people who can listen, intervene, or provide safety can make such a difference. Healing and awareness go hand in hand. By learning the characteristics of emotional abuse, you will not only empower yourself but also become better equipped to support others who may be experiencing similar situations.

Ultimately, this story is not just about what happened to Amara but about recognizing the signs, trusting yourself, and understanding that you deserve a relationship rooted in respect, safety, and genuine care.

Call to Action

If you are experiencing abuse, know that you are not alone, and what you are going through is valid. You deserve to feel safe, respected, and heard in every relationship. Trust your instincts—if something feels wrong, it is worth paying attention to. Reaching out for help can feel difficult, but it can also be the first step toward reclaiming your safety and your peace.

If you are someone witnessing abuse, do not stay silent. Your support can make a difference. Check in, listen without judgment, and remind them that they are not alone. Sometimes, simply being present and believing someone can be life-changing.

If you or someone you know needs support, please reach out to our hotline at 540-886-6800. There are people ready to listen, support, and help guide you through your next steps. You do not have to go through this alone.